I'm awake at 4plus.And surprising,no hangovers for me.=) Tequila shots don't cause hangovers? Lols.Right now,i'm slacking at home.Doing nothing.Normally,during these times,i would be with you.Proberly thinking about what to eat for dinner.Go where? Are we wathcing movies for the night? Which movie? Proberly going for a bathe.Arguing who to bathe first.But now,here am i..All alone with this pathetic blog.Trying my best not to think about you which i couldn't.While you,should be happily enjoying yourself somewhere & even going for a movie with your friends at night.You seems so fine without me.Too fine that i felt totally stupid.Stupid to be crying for you,thinking about you.But i just couldn't control myself.
Yesterday,met you up for dinner.Which somehow,i've been forcing myself to eat.I've got no appetite for don't know how many days already.Eating a few fries & a drink will be enough to fill my days.Fries & drinks are even eaten for my friend's sake.I'm eating,right in front of you.Trying to be strong without you.Supposed to cut my hairbut ended up went for a movies with you.During movies were tough.I couldn't hold you,hug you,lie on you like how i used to.You were so near,yet so far.Sitting right beside me,just right beside me..I hold on my tears.Tried to concentrate on shows.But no,i couldn't.Eagle eye was a nice show.It's suppose to be exciting.But i couldn't enjoy it.Being your friend.It's totally different.Sms style changed.Going out feels so different.Everything right now is no longer a 2 person thing.It's only you & just you.Me & just me.I no longer have the urge to share lots of things with you for it's meaningless.But i do have so much things i wanted to say to you.Which i couldn't.You said that you didn't like to talk about your past just like how i didn't like to.But all whenever you asked was because you doubted me.Then did it ever occurs to you that i doubted you too? You used to asked me face to face,you could see my reaction.But did i ever asked you that way? Perhaps it was my mistake.For not being able to have that courage to asked you things while looking right into your eyes.(And david,i would thank you for that.Because of you,you made me had a drastic change towards reaction.Mr tan,you seriously ruin my life.And i HATE YOU FOR THAT!) Why didn't it ever occur to you that i doubted your words? From the first time i ever asked,till the last time,you always choose to avoid my questions.Didn't give me an answer.With that,do you think that i could trust you? Do you think that i could understand things on my own without any answer or explaination?! And recently,you told me that you rather it this way then for it to be like this next time as it would be harder for me.So do you mean you've already planned out everything? Just that you wanted it earlier now? WTF! I don't even understand a single thing from you! You said you feels that i'm young.WTH! David,Eugene,Ziyang were all so damn big & they didn't even says anything! Perhaps you are different.But,you were the fking person who told me that i'm more mature then the other girls for my age because of darling.& now you said i'm young? You said you were not ready to be a father.I only need you to be for darling when he needed you.Nothing else.Is that very difficult? It's not like he's now 15yrs old now,full of problems.Right now,he's only 2yrs old.A playful little toddler & i never ever forced you to used any of your time to be with him! Instead,i gave my time for him for the sake of you.I wanted to be with you for as much as i can before your NS.To help you prepare your bag before you goes in.I wanted to be with you,through your NS days.I wanted to be there,i help you things which i could.To massage you when you are tired.To pack your bag,when you are booking in.To give you a nice big hug when you you come back feeling all tired and worn out.To talk to you when you felt that you needed a break,feeling all so stressful.I just wanted to be there for you,physically & mentally.And now,everything that i've thought of are just a waste of my time.
For these days that we've broke off.I bet you've never thought of me.I bet you've never think about me.I felt so stupid.Why am i always the one giving out for guys.Why am i always the one going through this alone? Why am i always losing my bf to another girl? Am i that useless? Am i that lousy? Do i look so easy to be a prey of a guy? Just what am i in your eyes? Someone whom you loved? No,i don't think so.I guess i'm just someone whom you think you can just fuck & go.